do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
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I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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