I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
