3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
