now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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