Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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