Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
