and you said cock pushups were impossible
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
