Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
