all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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