so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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