she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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