someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
