why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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