i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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