Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
