I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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