I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
