The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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