Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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