dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
