It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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