Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
