there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
