and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I know her cup size but not her name....
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
