Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
