I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
