I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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