pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
