Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
