Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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