As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
