so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
