I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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