I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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