god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Sober January is a disaster.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
