i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
