It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
