Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
