i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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