why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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