I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
