I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
