get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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