Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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