Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
