Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
