Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
