I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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