Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
