you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
