I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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