Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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