I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
