my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
When are your genitals available?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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