I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
false alarm, still single
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
