My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
