I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
