How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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