Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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