Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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