He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
