good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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