There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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