turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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